Vlad 'Blitzes Britain'

The Russians have resumed their cold war habit of probing UK airspace. How times have changed, Russia is still using the same old prop planes they did in the 80s, not only that they look like something designed by Howard Hughes after a bad day on coke and valium. Meanwhile the poorly funded RAF sends up a brand new all-singing-all dancing Typhoon.

Useful phrases for the latest generation of Typhoon pilots below:

otva`li - fuck off, po'shyol'na hu - fuck you, `suka - bitch

New Wave bad language: Geeky

Possibly the best blog out there is "The Secret Diary of Steve Jobs". If you've not heard of it, go look at it now: http://fakesteve.blogspot.com.

Fake Steve is a master of retard-customisation, his classics being:

1. Frigtard, Frigtarded - Fake Steve's classic, simply put, stupid people.
2. Microtards - Microsoft and its users.
3. Freetard, Freetarded - Linux and other open source users.

Other notable -tards, are:

1. Leftietard
2. Salestards
3. Bluetards (IBM)
4. Lametard, lametarded
5. Sensitards
6. Eurotard
7. Vistard
8. Zunetard
9. Delltards
10. Commentards
11. iTard
12. Greentards (a personal favourite)
13. Cybertard
14. Hardtards
15. Yelptards
16. Flametards
17. Linuxpetitiontards

Potty Mouth for Ladies, number 1....

....of an occasional series:

"Part the hairs" or "Part me hairs"

As in "Watch my drink for me I am going to part me hairs".

I got this gem from an Irish friend of mine. She is a beautiful and petite woman in her 30s, who caught me out one night in the pub when she asked me to watch her bag while by she went off to "part her hairs".

If you've not got it yet, a lady "parts her hairs" when she goes for a pee. Perfect description for the act I think.

Drunken Swearing I

Being drunk and swearing randomly and for no apparent reason go together like Derek and Clive. A great example of this is actually from Derek & Clive's 1978 album "Ad Nauseam" and the track "I can't shit". If you like swearing and like to "take a drink" I defy you not to recognise something of yourself in there.

An example of Derek & Clive's combined genius in the application of bad language:-
(Just in case you are either too young or not from the UK, Peter Cook is doing a fake commentary on a horse race which. In the 70's, all horses races were commentated on by very posh gents)

Masters of Profanity I

I am musing on the best users of profane language. The first person that springs to mind is Billy Connolly.

Ok, ok, I know, I know: the connections to the Royal Family; the wife's psychology stuff; the new age/folk malarky...but they do not detract from the fact that Mr Connolly can swear better than more or less every one.

I would go so far as to say that there are two periods of British Comedy: Before Connolly and After Connolly.

Mainstream Britain BC was inhabited by the likes of Hancock, Kenneth Williams, Chick Murray, George Formby, Arthur Askey and the like. Many of whom were extremely funny but they were not arch users of profanity, well not that you'd see on TV anyway.

There may have been plenty of bad words bandied about in the British Working Mens' club scene. However, comedians from that background were ignored and reviled by the controllers of British TV.

Connolly was the first mainstream comedian who could get away with excessive profanity without at the same time becoming a pariah. Part of this is probably down to the fact that his comedy was essentially middle class.

However, enough of my bullshite analysis of comedy. The clip below sums Connolly up. The editing of the clip is utter shite with seemingly random clips of people laughing , or not, splattered willy-nilly throughout:-

Swearers' resource

We all need a store cupboard of words to use at appropriate moments. I humbly offer some that I have picked up.

I offer a combo: "fuckitty fuck" as a jolly combo. It is to be used to express disappointment, annoyance, irritation or pain, in place of a standard "fuck". "Fuckitty fuck" is ideal to express mild disappointment as it unfolds.

Compare and contrast:-

Situation 1

You are barbecuing and decide to pick up a sausage right of the grill. That little chipolata is of course red hot and burns your fingers so much that you drop it.

Situation 2

You are late for an important engagement. You have, for some reason, decided to go by train. You are a tad late getting to the station and so have to run like a crazy bastard to get to the platform. After running like a fool through the entire station and nearly giving yourself heart failure in the process you reach the platform; only to see the train doors closing and it moving off.

Correct Application

Situation 1.

"Fuckitty fuck" has two qualities that lend itself to incidents of this nature:

1. The "itty" adds a percussive, rhythmic quality to a bog standard fuck. Much like a drum stick hitting a drum skin produces a sound from the drum skin so does the hot sausage bouncing about in your hands "oo ah fuckity..fuck..fuck...fuckitty, fuck, fuckitty..fuck..fuck...fuck". And as the sausage drops the floor you can finish with a final "fuckitty, fucking, fuck".

2. "Fuckitty" has a jolly quality which means it can be employed in social situations where children or the elderly may be present.

Very genteel ladies/high class types, may find "fuckitty" a liberating and useful word, which allows the exploration of a good standard "fuck" in a socially acceptable manner, on a regular basis.

Situation 2

A straight "fuck" is the only option. A single "fuck" has a simple, finality that matches the finality of your situation: train has gone. Not only that if you have just legged it through a station your lungs will only be able to manage a "fuck" any way.

Get fit you lazy twat.

Nice combo

I first heard this combo in about 1985. I was sat in the backseat of a Rolls Royce, driven by an unsavoury semi-criminal type. I was decorating said rogue's house and we were going to pick up paint and wallpaper.

Anyways, we got stuck in traffic on the M62 ( a motorway near Manchester, England) and said dodgy type decided to avoid the delays by driving down the hard shoulder at 80 mph. I nearly shit myself when, at one point a truck pulled halfway onto the hard shoulder so as to stop us. At which point said rogue said:

"As if that going to bloody fucking stop me"

We slowed down a tad and then got on the motorway verge and carried on. The man was a headcase.

I heard this double over the next few days, while I decorating:

"You're a bloody fucking idiot" was a typical example.

Strangely, this chap who had red curly-ish hair that was thinning on top, a pot belly, just had a heart bypass and was waiting to have his prostate minced, had a gorgeous wife who was about 20 years younger than him. You could set your watch by hearing the following phrases ring through the house:

"Denise, where's my bloody fucking dinner?"

"Denise, where's that bloody fucking tea you are making"

"Denise, get out and get me some fags I am fucking gasping here".

Denise dutifully responded to such requests providing whatever he wanted. My only explanation for her servility is that he a bloody fucking marvelous insurance policy.

Inspiration

Profanity is good. It fills in the gaps when you can't think of a better word. Some people would say that's a bad thing. I don't think so. In most cases swearing is the most efficient manner of getting your feelings out. Example, you are hammering a nail and you hit your thumb with the hammer, which works best as an outlet for the pain:

1. "OW".

2. "FUCKING HELL"

No contest.