Possibly the best blog out there is "The Secret Diary of Steve Jobs". If you've not heard of it, go look at it now: http://fakesteve.blogspot.com.
Fake Steve is a master of retard-customisation, his classics being:
1. Frigtard, Frigtarded - Fake Steve's classic, simply put, stupid people.
2. Microtards - Microsoft and its users.
3. Freetard, Freetarded - Linux and other open source users.
Other notable -tards, are:
1. Leftietard
2. Salestards
3. Bluetards (IBM)
4. Lametard, lametarded
5. Sensitards
6. Eurotard
7. Vistard
8. Zunetard
9. Delltards
10. Commentards
11. iTard
12. Greentards (a personal favourite)
13. Cybertard
14. Hardtards
15. Yelptards
16. Flametards
17. Linuxpetitiontards
Showing posts with label profanity larder. Show all posts
Showing posts with label profanity larder. Show all posts
Thursday, 23 August 2007
Wednesday, 22 August 2007
Potty Mouth for Ladies, number 1....
....of an occasional series:
"Part the hairs" or "Part me hairs"
As in "Watch my drink for me I am going to part me hairs".
I got this gem from an Irish friend of mine. She is a beautiful and petite woman in her 30s, who caught me out one night in the pub when she asked me to watch her bag while by she went off to "part her hairs".
If you've not got it yet, a lady "parts her hairs" when she goes for a pee. Perfect description for the act I think.
"Part the hairs" or "Part me hairs"
As in "Watch my drink for me I am going to part me hairs".
I got this gem from an Irish friend of mine. She is a beautiful and petite woman in her 30s, who caught me out one night in the pub when she asked me to watch her bag while by she went off to "part her hairs".
If you've not got it yet, a lady "parts her hairs" when she goes for a pee. Perfect description for the act I think.
Swearers' resource
We all need a store cupboard of words to use at appropriate moments. I humbly offer some that I have picked up.
I offer a combo: "fuckitty fuck" as a jolly combo. It is to be used to express disappointment, annoyance, irritation or pain, in place of a standard "fuck". "Fuckitty fuck" is ideal to express mild disappointment as it unfolds.
Compare and contrast:-
Situation 1
You are barbecuing and decide to pick up a sausage right of the grill. That little chipolata is of course red hot and burns your fingers so much that you drop it.
Situation 2
You are late for an important engagement. You have, for some reason, decided to go by train. You are a tad late getting to the station and so have to run like a crazy bastard to get to the platform. After running like a fool through the entire station and nearly giving yourself heart failure in the process you reach the platform; only to see the train doors closing and it moving off.
Correct Application
Situation 1.
"Fuckitty fuck" has two qualities that lend itself to incidents of this nature:
1. The "itty" adds a percussive, rhythmic quality to a bog standard fuck. Much like a drum stick hitting a drum skin produces a sound from the drum skin so does the hot sausage bouncing about in your hands "oo ah fuckity..fuck..fuck...fuckitty, fuck, fuckitty..fuck..fuck...fuck". And as the sausage drops the floor you can finish with a final "fuckitty, fucking, fuck".
2. "Fuckitty" has a jolly quality which means it can be employed in social situations where children or the elderly may be present.
Very genteel ladies/high class types, may find "fuckitty" a liberating and useful word, which allows the exploration of a good standard "fuck" in a socially acceptable manner, on a regular basis.
Situation 2
A straight "fuck" is the only option. A single "fuck" has a simple, finality that matches the finality of your situation: train has gone. Not only that if you have just legged it through a station your lungs will only be able to manage a "fuck" any way.
Get fit you lazy twat.
I offer a combo: "fuckitty fuck" as a jolly combo. It is to be used to express disappointment, annoyance, irritation or pain, in place of a standard "fuck". "Fuckitty fuck" is ideal to express mild disappointment as it unfolds.
Compare and contrast:-
Situation 1
You are barbecuing and decide to pick up a sausage right of the grill. That little chipolata is of course red hot and burns your fingers so much that you drop it.
Situation 2
You are late for an important engagement. You have, for some reason, decided to go by train. You are a tad late getting to the station and so have to run like a crazy bastard to get to the platform. After running like a fool through the entire station and nearly giving yourself heart failure in the process you reach the platform; only to see the train doors closing and it moving off.
Correct Application
Situation 1.
"Fuckitty fuck" has two qualities that lend itself to incidents of this nature:
1. The "itty" adds a percussive, rhythmic quality to a bog standard fuck. Much like a drum stick hitting a drum skin produces a sound from the drum skin so does the hot sausage bouncing about in your hands "oo ah fuckity..fuck..fuck...fuckitty, fuck, fuckitty..fuck..fuck...fuck". And as the sausage drops the floor you can finish with a final "fuckitty, fucking, fuck".
2. "Fuckitty" has a jolly quality which means it can be employed in social situations where children or the elderly may be present.
Very genteel ladies/high class types, may find "fuckitty" a liberating and useful word, which allows the exploration of a good standard "fuck" in a socially acceptable manner, on a regular basis.
Situation 2
A straight "fuck" is the only option. A single "fuck" has a simple, finality that matches the finality of your situation: train has gone. Not only that if you have just legged it through a station your lungs will only be able to manage a "fuck" any way.
Get fit you lazy twat.
Nice combo
I first heard this combo in about 1985. I was sat in the backseat of a Rolls Royce, driven by an unsavoury semi-criminal type. I was decorating said rogue's house and we were going to pick up paint and wallpaper.
Anyways, we got stuck in traffic on the M62 ( a motorway near Manchester, England) and said dodgy type decided to avoid the delays by driving down the hard shoulder at 80 mph. I nearly shit myself when, at one point a truck pulled halfway onto the hard shoulder so as to stop us. At which point said rogue said:
"As if that going to bloody fucking stop me"
We slowed down a tad and then got on the motorway verge and carried on. The man was a headcase.
I heard this double over the next few days, while I decorating:
"You're a bloody fucking idiot" was a typical example.
Strangely, this chap who had red curly-ish hair that was thinning on top, a pot belly, just had a heart bypass and was waiting to have his prostate minced, had a gorgeous wife who was about 20 years younger than him. You could set your watch by hearing the following phrases ring through the house:
"Denise, where's my bloody fucking dinner?"
"Denise, where's that bloody fucking tea you are making"
"Denise, get out and get me some fags I am fucking gasping here".
Denise dutifully responded to such requests providing whatever he wanted. My only explanation for her servility is that he a bloody fucking marvelous insurance policy.
Anyways, we got stuck in traffic on the M62 ( a motorway near Manchester, England) and said dodgy type decided to avoid the delays by driving down the hard shoulder at 80 mph. I nearly shit myself when, at one point a truck pulled halfway onto the hard shoulder so as to stop us. At which point said rogue said:
"As if that going to bloody fucking stop me"
We slowed down a tad and then got on the motorway verge and carried on. The man was a headcase.
I heard this double over the next few days, while I decorating:
"You're a bloody fucking idiot" was a typical example.
Strangely, this chap who had red curly-ish hair that was thinning on top, a pot belly, just had a heart bypass and was waiting to have his prostate minced, had a gorgeous wife who was about 20 years younger than him. You could set your watch by hearing the following phrases ring through the house:
"Denise, where's my bloody fucking dinner?"
"Denise, where's that bloody fucking tea you are making"
"Denise, get out and get me some fags I am fucking gasping here".
Denise dutifully responded to such requests providing whatever he wanted. My only explanation for her servility is that he a bloody fucking marvelous insurance policy.
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